The Unorthodox Review of Avengers: Age of Ultron (Part 1)

INT. THE LAST REMAINING VIDEO STORE

The clerk watches OUR HERO as he scans the store’s limited selection.

Unsure of whether to be more surprised by the fact that he has an actual customer in the age of Netflix or that said customer is wearing the attire more suited to online viewing: no shirt and sweatpants – the clerk watches on.

Our Hero holds up a DVD in each hand and begins to look back-and-forth between them. After scratching his head for an extended period of time, he strides over to the counter and slams down both DVDs before the clerk.

OUR HERO

“Sod it, I’ll take both.”

CLERK

“Okay. So that’s one copy of ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’ and one copy of ‘Kangaroo Jack’. Enjoy your evening and make sure you return them by Saturday as we’re being shut down next week.”

Cut to —

INT. OUR HERO’S APARTMENT

After giving a standing ovation for ‘Kangaroo Jack’, Our Hero slots in his next DVD, the risky lesser-known picture; ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’.

His review in live-time follows…

00:50

Jeremy Renner is the first character to be shown. Confused by the lack of Avengers, Our Hero begins to suspect that he’s mistakenly rented ‘The Hurt Locker’ again.

1:35

In slow motion, The Avengers all jump in unison. Our Hero begins to suffer from serious de ja vu. He recalls the multiple trailers released and how much he already knows about the film because of them.

He questions aborting and re-watching ‘Kangaroo Jack’ instead.

1:47

Iron Man and Captain America have an amusing back-and-forth and there’s some explosions and stuff so Our Hero decides to keep watching.

4:18

Our Hero pauses the film to look on eBay for a cool monocle like the one that evil dude is wearing. He discovers that there’s actually people out there selling them and laughs at how Marvel fans will buy anything Marvel-related.

He wipes his screen with his Chewbacca dust rag before continuing.

5:09

OUR HERO

“Damn, Quicksilver’s pretty good. Perhaps he’ll do something really awesome in the first part of the film then never return because the screenwriter knows that he’s basically created an undefeatable God.”

See: ‘X-Men Days of Future Past’

10:26

Our Hero is thrown off guard as he again sees Jeremy Renner.

OUR HERO

“I guess he’s an Avenger then? But what was his name… Scotty? Falcon? Birdman? All viable options.”

11:16

Our Hero celebrates seeing Hollywood’s 1,000,000th dream sequence.

OUR HERO

“Still a fresh storytelling device!”

13:50

OUR HERO

“Thor never takes off his superhero costume. Take a day off, mate.”

15:14

Captain America makes a snappy remark right before the elevator doors shut. This causes Our Hero to remember the time he did likewise before getting stuck and having to call the person on the receiving end of his snappy remark for assistance.

He ended the call with yet another snappy remark and wasn’t freed for six days.

18:57

After hearing that Iron Man wants to create Ultron, Our Hero recalls him being the bad guy from the title and the trailers. He begins to shout at Iron Man not to do it.

After being ignored for an intolerable amount of time, Our Hero sits back down.

OUR HERO

“Well then, with that attitude, you deserve what’s coming to ya.”

19:36

OUR HERO

“Science montage!”

22:19

Our Hero sees Falcon and the mystery of Jeremy Renner’s character’s name is blown wide open.

OUR HERO

“Okay, so it must be Scotty or Birdman.

Wait, or was it Aaron Cross?

Damn it, now there are three options again!”

24:01

Our Hero notices that Thor is no longer wearing his superhero costume at Iron Man’s party.

OUR HERO

“Come on mate, you’re supposed to be a superhero, not a mingling yuppie!”

25:12

Scarlett Johansson says that chicks dig dorks.

Our Hero’s eyes widen.

OUR HERO

“Damn it, that’s me out of the equation then.”

He takes a sip of chocolate milk, sets a reminder for the Stargate Atlantis marathon in two weeks, and returns to the film.

28:42

OUR HERO

“Hey, its James Spader, the only reason that The Blacklist is remotely watchable!”

Our Hero Googles when Season Two of The Blacklist is due to air. He is shocked to realise that it has just been renewed for its Fourth Season.

OUR HERO

“Ah, that’s right, I bailed after Season 1, Episode 3.”

33:07

OUR HERO

“Movie idea: artificial intelligence is invented and it doesn’t go too far, in fact its very useful to have around. 

Where’s the conflict, I hear you ask? 

Zombies.

The movie’s called Robots vs. Zombies and you can thank me later, Hollywood.”

36:35

Our Hero notices that Ultron’s operation is kind of similar to Communism. He is then blown away when he considers that the characters are in a place called Sokovia.

OUR HERO

“Mmmmmm, that’s some biting satire.

‘Cause, you know, its probably supposed to be Russia…. maybe, I guess.”

37:17

Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Quicksilver explains his tragic backstory.

Our Hero shakes his head and frowns, having still not forgiven him for taking all of the screen time away from Bryan Cranston and the Titular Character in ‘Godzilla’.

39:55

Hulk explains that Ulysses Klaue’s tattoo translates to ‘thief’.

Our Hero begins to wonder why all criminals don’t do likewise as it would make catching them much easier and the world would become a better place. And surely they’d like that, right? Case in point: Ultron.

43:48

Our Hero scratches his head as Ultron cuts off Klaue’s arm.

OUR HERO

“Wait, so Ultron is Klaue’s Dad? How’s that even possi- …I mean, that’s how it works, right?

Vader, back me up on this one.”

45:44

Quicksilver comically tries to steal Thor’s hammer causing Our Hero to remember the laughs Aaron Taylor-Johnson brought him in Kick-Ass (pre-Godzillagate).

In a drastic turn of events, Our Hero starts to support the bad guys and logs-in to Twitter to try and get #TeamUltron trending.

46:43

Thus begins Thor’s dream sequence, Hollywood’s 1,000,001st in total.

Our Hero begins to wonder whether the device has become overused.

47:02

Jeremy Renner makes another one of his cameo appearances as the Avengers’ Wacky Uncle Stuart (at this point, Our Hero is adamant that this is the name of Renner’s character).

52:25

The Hulkbuster arrives. Our Hero begins to ponder why it isn’t used to fight other people as well.

OUR HERO

“You can just give it another name, God damn it!

Just mention in the instruction manual that its best results are on Hulks if you want to avoid a lawsuit!”

55:39

As a semi-constructed building is blown up by Iron Man and Hulk, Our Hero holds a minute’s silence for its builders. After all, he knows the struggle: whenever he lost at Jenga, his sister would make him rebuild the tower for a rematch.

55:42

Our Hero breaks his minute’s silence 57 seconds early as he exclaims “oooohs” and “aaaahs” at the cool explosion.

56:24

Hulk looks upon the devastation he has caused. In turn, this causes Our Hero to realise that even the green monster itself shows more empathy than him.

Surprised by how little this bothers him, he continues watching.

58:16

At the first sight of Linda Cardellini, Our Hero pauses the movie in order to re-watch the entire series of ‘Freaks and Geeks’.

He returns 14 hours later in tears due to the lack of a second season.

He hits play on the Avengers, hoping to find some solace in Joss Whedon’s superhero flick.

Before long he remembers Firefly and the tantrum continues.

OUR HERO

“See Hulk, I have empathy too!

So long as its for cancelled TV shows that directly affect me.”

1:00:27

OUR HERO

“Did Wacky Uncle Stuart’s wife just call him ‘Hawkeye’? What a dumb pet name.”

END OF PART ONE

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