Hey, I just got back from the Internet and…. well, there’s a lot of Top 10 lists out there guys. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can see the appeal — they tickle curiosity and are a neatly structured way to get information across. And so, having always wondered about the numeric value of my opinions on the Pixar movies I grew up with, I thought, hey, I’ll jump on that bandwagon.
I mean, I’m not gonna name it ‘The Secret of This Guy’s Favourite Pixar Movies Will Shock You’ because, contrary to sloppy click-baiting beliefs, no one has ever been shocked by a listicle. The two emotions exhibited while reading a listicle are indifferent and vacant.
So then, why the hell am I ranking a bunch of animated movies? Well, its one of those things that is so hard to do that you almost need someone pointing a gun at your head forcing you to choose. That’s why I hired Stuart. Say hi, Stuart.
Stuart here has nothing going on. I mean, he’s got less going on than me for god’s sake. Therefore, I paid him £2.50 to interrogate me into providing my rankings of the Pixar movies. You all set to go there, Stuart?
“Just getting into character… What, exactly, is my motivation?”
F***ing method actors…. your motivation is you aren’t eating again tonight without that £2.50!
“Alright, I’m good.”
You sure, fella?
“Gimme some motherf***ing numbers you piece of s**t!”
Alright, woah, woah, we’re all friends here. By the way, is it cool if I leave the two released in 2015 out? As I don’t want their freshness to give them an unfair advantage.
“I genuinely could not care less.”
Cracking. I guess I’ll start at the bottom of the list then and speak for virtually everyone on the planet when I say that Number 14 is ‘Cars 2‘. It’s just… well, its ‘Buy Our Merchandise: The Movie’.
“Isn’t that kind of what ‘Toy Story’ is too? The characters in that are literally toys that kids can buy.”
What?! No! ‘Toy Story’ is, like, movie magic and stuff.
“You’re sounding like a bit of a hypocrite.”
Yeah, well, nuts to you Stuart, this is my list! With my rules! Even if they’re built on flawed, ignorant logic.
Alright, on to number 13…
“Let me guess, Cars?”
Actually, no. See, when ‘Cars’ was released, I wasn’t dead inside yet. I was just a kid and there were these crazy talking cars doing stuff, therefore it was a jolly good riot!
“So what is it then?
‘Brave‘. Don’t get me wrong, decent film, and it speaks volumes about the quality of Pixar that I can deem a solid effort like this to be their second worst. It came during that sort of slump they had at the turn of this decade and in my eyes, the film seemed a tad bit familiar unlike Pixar’s best of the best.
“So what’s number 12 then?”
Number 11 is ‘Monsters University‘. Not gonna add any suspense to announcing it, I’m just putting it out there, which is the adverse of what the movie did to many people’s expectations. Look, it was a laugh, it worked well for those who watched it as a kid and are now in University. But…. meh… it was just the third film, following ‘Cars 2’ and ‘Brave’, that came during that little slump they had. It had diminishing returns from the original film and so lost a lot of that magic and wonder and s**t.
Look, Stuart, I know what you’re thinking…
“Can I go home, yet?”
Damn it Stuart, we’ve only just hit the Top 10, this is where a cleaner and more digestible listicle would only begin!
“Urgh… fine, what am I thinking?”
You’re thinking, ‘hey, maybe the Toy Story sequels are actually that little bit better than the original?’
“Look mate, I don’t…”
You’re thinking, ‘awwww hell naw is he about to put them this far down the list!’ Well, unfortunately, when all of the remaining films I have to work through are mind-numbingly original, the sequels sit behind them all. Again, its a testament to Pixar’s genius that I’m putting these two down in the lower regions.
Oh god, I can’t do it Stuart. I just can’t…
“Listen bro, you told me to stand here, point this gun at your head, and make you rank these 14 cartoons.”
But I’m having to take this really seriously! When I started this blog, the idea was not to be serious! This is hell dude, I don’t give those Buzzfeed listicle writers enough credit, their careers are based around having to make Sophie’s Choice but, like, 10 f***ing times!
“Just listen to your heart, say whatever comes to mind…”
“See? That wasn’t so hard.”
I feel so dirty. A funny little rat and Patton Oswalt’s voice, that movie is ridiculously good fun. How could I do this to it?
“Too late now, no takey backsies.”
I’m scared, Stuart.
“Well, I can point the gun at you from under my jacket, if you want?”
No its not that. I’m scared of the Internet! It’s gonna eat me alive for saying this!
“Where are you going with this….?”
Its such a good film, the parts where he’s squeezed into the tiny office and car are visual comedy gold. And from there it becomes the only good ‘Fantastic 4’ movie ever made…
“Don’t say it bro…”
Number 7 is ‘The Incredibles‘. There. I just, I just don’t like it as much as the other 6 I guess. So shoot me. No wait I-!
Arrrrrrgh! That bullet hurts like a son of a-
“Oh god dude, I’m sorry, I was just doing my job. Is the colour of the blood dark or light? We can tell if I hit an artery.”
Nah its cool, I don’t bleed. Like I said, I’m dead inside. Just phone a mechanic or something, they’ll be able to sort me out.
“What are you? Look, we’ve got to go to a hospital, or a repair shop, or something!”
No! Must… finish… listicle…
“Fine! Then hurry up!”
Can’t…. choose…. too…. difficult…
Okay…. ‘Up‘… that movie is… its just so nice…. I was already dead inside when it came out and yet…. I…. I felt something, Stuart…. I really felt something.
“Can we please go get you some help, now?”
Oh no, its fine, I put blanks in that thing.
Come on Stuart, why would I give some randomer a gun with actual bullets in it? Pull yourself together, fella!
“What was with all that drama then?”
Twas acting, my friend. To prove that, even though you’re getting paid to act, I’m the real actor here!
“Jesus Christ… you know, I’m starting to think this isn’t even worth the £2.50.”
Yeah but you can’t leave now, you’re hooked, you need to know what my Number 1 is.
“Damn it… you’re right…”
That’s how listicles get ya! Well, I’ll try and pick up the pace a little since you’ve been a sound helper — Number 5 is ‘A Bug’s Life‘. Great film, the animation holds up unbelievably well, and it made a great Playstation 1 game too.
I’m a huge admirer of Director/Screenwriter combos that manage to make strictly dialogue or without dialogue films work — Yet alone when that film is animated and intended for children, who, generally, have a short attention span.
“Did I miss something here? You’re actually beginning to sound remotely like a film critic.”
Yeah that blank you fired really did a number on my brain. Back to the list though, and my 4th favourite Pixar movie is ‘WALL-E‘! Although, if I was ranking the characters in order of cuteness, best believe that little b**tard would come out on top.
Movie the third now, which was the catalyst for Pixar who have gone above and beyond since its release.
“Why couldn’t you have gone at this pace from the start?”
Well, you should have shot me in the face earlier.
Are you excited, Stuart?
Great. That means I’m doing a decent job of writing a listicle.
“Please, just, make it end.”
Ha ha ha, well hold them horses there fella, ’cause we’ve just hit the penultimate movie and- woah! Hey! Get that gun out of your mouth!
“I just want it to end…”
Geez, fine, its ‘Finding Nemo‘. You know, I originally had my doubts about the sequel (what with me being a licensed cynic) but thinking back to the original has filled me with hope. The side characters in that film are awesome — therefore I think it’ll share a similar phenomenon to that of ‘The Simpsons’ whereby even the new episodes are still worth a watch due to the volume of laugh-out-loud characters. I mean, in ‘Finding Nemo’ you’ve got Bruce, Crush, Squirt, all the fishies in the tank (who may or may not be dead given that we last saw them in plastic prisons out at sea), and many more…
And then there was one…
“Wait, what is it? I can’t think what you’ve left out… Oh god, its not some weird hipster one is it?”
What? No! Come on dude, you know this…
It grossed over 500 million! It has a sequel!
“Oh… right…. ‘Monsters, Inc.?”
HELL YEAH, MONSTERS RUDDY INC!
“See, most people say Incredibles, or Nemo, or Toy Story or…”
Ah, shut it, you! This film takes a quirky childhood fear and transforms it into an entire universe and concept! This film is everything that is great about Pixar! And if you disagree then… well… you’re just a big stupid head!
“Okay. I think you may need to cut down on the cartoons…”
They’re not cartoons, damn it! They’re animated funnies!
Well, that’s that then. Sure it offered little insight and was somewhat anticlimactic, but that’s what listicles are all about, right? Hey-ho, at least I managed to do the unthinkable… I guess… sort of… — Okay, maybe I had to make it up a little because the concept of ranking movies is nuts! They’re incomparable and all victims to circumstance! Just don’t tell Stuart that, as I want him on board when I remake the list to include ‘Inside Out’ and ‘The Good Dinosaur’.