I recently got to thinking about how time-travelling always results in ironic consequences for all those involved. Therefore, I devised a way to avoid this phenomenon — by going back a short period of time to correct a very petty wrong.
Remember a few years ago when Adam Sandler was in a couple of great, emotionally-driven movies? That could have been the point where he went on to make and star in some of the best comedies of the century. Instead, he’s created… well, you know, films that have still brought joy to many people and earned a good paycheck, but just aren’t mine, and many other people’s, cup of tea.
And so, the only logical thing to do was go back in time and attempt to create a new career path for America’s funny man.
In case you ever feel inclined to manipulate time in order to correct a petty wrong yourself, I’ve created a step-by-step guide of my adventure so you have a heads up at what may come your way…
I break into Hollywood and steal the remote Adam Sandler used to time travel in ‘Click’.
I assume said remote can actually manipulate time and/or space.
I go back in time and locate my past self. He’s recently rented a couple of comedies from Blockbuster — ‘Youth In Revolt’ starring Michael Cera disappointed him, but ‘Funny People’ starring Adam Sandler and his hero Seth Rogen was fun on the bun.
I watch ‘Funny People’ with my younger self. He thinks of questioning my presence but is too invested in the movie to give a shit.
When the film ends, I open up a dialogue with the little bastard to try and get him on board with my scheme. Here’s a transcript of how it went:
Older Me: “If you thought that was great, you should check out ‘Reign Over Me’, it’s another example of Adam Sandler delivering a cracking dramatic performance. Sure, it’s a little overkill on the whole emotions thing but you should dig it since you’re not dead inside yet.”
Younger Me: “What?”
Older Me: “Oh yeah, somewhere between now and the 2012 Olympics, you just become dead inside, buddy. So enjoy this sort of thing while you can.”
Younger Me: “Awwww nuts. Well, at least it sounds like Adam Sandler’s got loads of these dramatic movies for me to watch.”
Older Me: “But that’s where you’re wrong! This should have been a catalyst for many more top notch motion pictures. But instead he goes on to do stuff like this…’
I put on a copy of ‘Pixels’ and within 15 minutes, my younger self is curled up in a corner, rocking back and forth, drenched in tears.
Older Me: “We can change this though, we just have to go to Hollywood and convince Adam Sandler to do the movies we want him to do. Sure, he may go bankrupt and lose all his cool celebrity friends, but I’m only looking out for me….s.”
Younger Me: “Okay sweet, can you drive us to L.A. then?”
Older Me: “Yeah, about that, I still don’t know how to drive.”
Younger Me: “Oh for the love of God, it sounds like you should have come back to warn me about what a loser I become!”
Older Me: “I’m trying to avoid ironic consequences, okay? Now, with or without the proper credentials, let’s go steal your Dad’s car and drive to Hollywood!”
Younger Me: “Fine. But I’m driving.”
We begin our long journey across the Atlantic and, considering we’re the same person, we soon run out of things to talk about.
I start streaming ‘The Ridiculous 6’ in order to remind him of the importance of our quest.
After hitting the East Coast of the U.S., we’re immediately stopped by two buddy cops (because my knowledge of American law enforcement is limited to buddy cop movies). Here’s a transcript of how we managed to get out of trouble, just in case it happens to you on your time-travelling adventure:
Cop 1: “Alright Sir, I’m gonna need to see some…. Damn! Are you two brothers are something?”
Older Me: Nope.
Cop 1: “Uh huh….”
Cop 2: “Hey! Ask them if he’s travelled back in time to team up with his younger self!”
Cop 1: “….Did you go back in time and…”
Younger Me: “Well, actually…”
Cop 1: “Not you, Mini Me!”
Older Me: “Yep, he’s my younger self. Sorry that he’s a bit of a dick, but what are you gonna do? Kids will be kids.”
Cop 2: “Let them go! If one of them has travelled back in time then they must be in a hurry to do something important!”
Cop 1: “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well… you gentlemen have a good day now.”
Me and Mini Me are all set to reach Hollywood without any more delays until the two cops figure out we’re foreigners and every police-force in the country begins chasing us down this cool desert highway.
We escape but not before Younger Me gets shot in the arm….
Younger Me: “Arrrrrrgh this hurts so much!… I’m gonna die, aren’t I?”
Older Me: “You’ll be fine, just shut the fuck up.”
Younger Me: “How can you know that?!”
Older Me: “Because this is how it happens! This is how you become dead inside.”
Younger Me: “You mean, you’ve already experienced this?”
Older Me: “Yeah dude, its like ‘Predestination’.”
Younger Me: “Pre-what-de-who-now?”
Older Me: “Oh… right… it was released in 2014. Well, when that gets released, check it out and we’ll be on the same page. Now quit complaining, we’ve gotta step on it.”
Younger Me: “Yeah. I really need to get to a hospital.”
Older Me: “Hospital? Nuts to that! We have a prior engagement with Adam Sandler!”
I break into Hollywood again, grab Adam Sandler by the shoulders, and attempt to shake some sense into him.
Older Me: “Adam, mate, listen to me! In five years time you’ll become the easiest target for jokes by movie buffs all around the world!”
Adam Sandler: “Oh come on, my criminal time-travelling friend, it can’t be that bad?”
Older Me: “Listen fella, we’re talking M. Night Shyamalan level here!”
Adam Sandler: “Oh geez, that guy is a pretty easy target…”
Older Me: “But we can help you change everything, we can set you on a new path, one without ‘Grown Ups 2’!”
Adam Sandler: “Hey, who’s that guy?”
Older Me: “Oh, don’t worry about him, that’s just my younger self. Wait, he’s not dead is he?”
Adam Sandler: “He seems to be twitching slightly… there’s a lot blood, though…”
Older Me: “Ignore that. So, what do you say?”
Adam Sandler: “You know, you guys have actually given me an idea…”
Older Me: “Awesome! Lay it on me!”
Adam Sandler: “I mean, look at you both, you’re like the same person… but different!”
Older Me: “Okay…”
Adam Sandler: “I could do a movie like that! Actually… I was reading this pretty sweet nursery rhyme the other day…”
Older Me: “Wait-“
Adam Sandler: “…I think it was called…. ‘Jack and Jill’.”
Older Me: “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Take note — there is no time travel without ironic consequences.