With various statements, questions and grievances I wished to get across to Hollywood, I decided to write them an open letter. Time passed without any response until my mail-person rudely informed me that open letters still need to be sealed if you wish for them to arrive in one piece (you can read more about this incident in my angrily written open letter to the Post Office).
Eventually, my letter did arrive in Tinseltown and they promptly issued me with a transatlantic restraining order.
Here it is:
It’s me — Filmic Wander — and I have a few statements, questions and grievances for you. Now, before you throw this in the trash, just remember that I was right when I told you to bring back ’21 Jump Street’ as a meta teen comedy fit for the new millennium.
Okay, here are my 25 key points:
- It’s 2016 and there are still protagonists without robot sidekicks. I take serious issue with this.
- Nobody is allowed to use ‘Where Is My Mind’ by the Pixies, or any alternative cover of it, as a movie soundtrack anymore. You keep trying to recreate the drama of ‘Fight Club’ but I’m afraid it has diminishing returns.
- We need to talk about sequels. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not just another man on the street complaining about a lack of originality in modern cinema. I’m talking about all of the sequels you made in the 80s — I’d like for you to make another ‘Back To The Future’ where Marty McFly undoes said sequels (including Back To The Future 4).
- Look, there are loads of superhero movies and everyone likes them — therefore I’m cool with that. However, since everyone likes them, it shouldn’t be reason enough to go around calling yourself a “nerd”. Replace those notices that tell you to turn off your phone at movie theatres with some sort of educational video that gets this message across.
- While I’m on the subject of things you play at the movie theatre before the actual motion picture — you know those patronising ads telling people not to pirate films and instead support their local cinema? They’ve got to go. Everyone in the room literally just bought a ticket to support you. Fuck off.
- There are ruddy loads of car and cellphone ads at movie theatres too. I see more of them than actual film trailers. Fuck off x2.
- You know how there are so many fight sequences set in restaurant kitchens? Well, keep them coming! I haven’t seen a bad one yet.
- As for your little brother — television — I’m worried about how many crime shows there are now. Renew ‘The Muppets’ for a second season and I’ll let it slide.
- We have to work out where we draw the line on nostalgia driven rebooted shows. Is that line ‘Fuller House’? I don’t know! We just need to make sure that there’s still fresh television knocking around as well as a second season of ‘The Muppets’ which I know is also a nostalgia driven show but god damn it let me have this! After all, puppets are not given a fair representation in the media.
- I want to open up a Hollwood franchise in England, will I be sued for doing this?
- Stop! Don’t make any more ‘Godzilla’ movies! — Yeah, you! I see you other there with that miniature replica of Tokyo and holy shit he’s going to fight King Kong? Okay, change of plan, I’m on board.
- All comedies now seem to have an oddly high-budget shock gag that features well in the trailer. Only problem is, they’re never shocking in the actual film because we’ve already seen it happen!
- Make another ‘Hellboy’. Preferably tomorrow, but I can wait until Thursday.
- You know those teasers for teaser trailers that are now apparently a thing? Those 20 second videos offer us nothing that a Tweet couldn’t — and a picture’s supposed to tell a thousand words, not 140 characters!
- I think we should try making a movie where Christoph Waltz sits down for ninety minutes and tells us all a bedtime story. That just sounds like it would be nice.
- Make a Spider-Man film where Peter Parker isn’t in high-school. It doesn’t need to be an origin story; we just need webs, cool lines of dialogue, and Topher Grace back as Venom (this time without all of the other villain fellas you threw into Spider-Man 3).
- I just read that you’re making a Venom standalone film. Again, Topher Grace or bust.
- Now let me broach the subject of the upcoming ‘Ghostbusters’ film. No, I don’t care that its an all female cast or fear that it’ll spoil the “legacy” of the original. I just want assurances that Slimer will feature in it — either as the main antagonist or as the Ghostbusters’ spiritual counsel.
- Please! Tell me why ‘Zootopia’ is being branded in Europe as ‘Zootropolis’? Why must we be stuck with a much worse bit of wordplay?
- Make sure people who are still watching ‘The Big Bang Theory’ are aware that ‘Silicon Valley’ exists.
- You’re not allowed to start any more disaster movies with montages of various news segments. However, if you’re intent on providing in-your-face exposition, then I will allow you to sit Christoph Waltz down in front of the camera with a glass of milk and have him literally tell us what’s gone down.
- Stop letting people complain when movies cut out parts of the book they were based on. Also, these people are often the same ones that complain about the finale of movies based on books being split into two parts. Let them know that they can’t have it both ways.
- You should probably do something about the Oscars.
- ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ is great and all but you realise that much of its very slim plot (car chasing aside) is copy and pasted from the ‘Rango’ screenplay, right? And that film’s about a talking lizard on a quest for stuff…
- You haven’t got back to me on that screenplay I sent you. Look, ‘Meeza Bad Motherfucker’ (the dark, gritty, origin story of Jar Jar Binks), is sure to make a fair few smackeroos at the box office. Also, trust me, it’ll soon become necessary if you plan on releasing a new Star Wars every year. So, come on, let’s bring back the Binks!
Thank you for your time,
(the guy who broke onto the set of ‘The Artist’ to play with the dog)