Batman & Superman’s High School Guidance Counsellor

Now, boys, I’ve heard rumours on the playground about some sort of high-octane super fight set to happen this month.

Does it matter who snitched? No, it wasn’t Robin. No, of course he’s not jealous about being left out of the DC Cinematic Universe!

I just want to clear the air here. Because you realise that Lex Luthor kid is totally plotting something evil, right?

Well, if you stopped bickering between yourselves, you’d notice that he’s over by the lockers right now staring intensively at us and rubbing his hands together.

Look, Superman, I don’t care how many times you’ve had to fight the bald guy who suddenly has shit loads of hair, you’re going to have to do it again.

And, let’s face it, if you and Batman go ahead with this contrived battle of yours, then you’re probably going to have to stop about an hour in to team up against Lex anyway.

What? No, you can’t just keep dragging Wonder Woman in to fight your battles!

Right, this is getting ridiculous, what’s it all about then? Why do you want to fight each other so badly?

You want to know if Superman bleeds? Then this seems like a pretty fucking stupid way of finding that out. How about we just ask him?

There, see, he doesn’t bleed!

You might want to see the nurse about that, mind you. That can’t be good.

Don’t talk back at me, Superman! I was on cafeteria duty yesterday and heard everything. Nobody wants you to win! Only that weird Zack Snyder kid is on your side.

Also, you know we have a changing room directly opposite the gym, right? You don’t need to keep running to the nearest phone booth. Frankly, I don’t know where you’re finding them. I mean, other than you, who’s still using a phone booth?

Oh don’t you start, Batman! Always hanging out in that freaky cave…

You realise you double-parked that car of yours again? That thing doesn’t even look like a car anymore! Its like every time you redesign it, you feel inclined to make it more flashy and now its just gotten out of hand. At the very least, it surely can’t be street-legal?

Okay, screw it, when’s your fight? I’m going to put you both in detention when its due to happen.

Righteo, Friday 25th March it is. How long did you intend for it to last?

2 and a half fucking hours? What is it with you mashugana superheroes and your excessive timescales? Why can’t you be more like that foulmouthed Deadpool kid?

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