My new TV show ‘Robot Sidekick Wars’ has been picked up by a major broadcaster and is slated for a September 2024 release. Okay, so the release was held back a little when it was confirmed that the conventional ‘Robot Wars’ (the classic BBC show that is now suing me for plagiarism of the name, concept, and for kidnapping Sir Killalot), will return later this year. This revelation caused the network executives to realise they had just given a crazy person his own stupid show and a literal bucket of cash, meaning that they hastily delayed the airing date until after my trial in court (seriously, I am deep in the shit about this Sir Killalot business — they’re even going to call every other robot from the show onto the witness stand which, although hilarious, also means I’m screwed).
So… until 2024 comes around, here’s a sneaky peeky at what it’s all about.
ROBOT SIDEKICK WARS!
Hello, I am your host, the T-1000, and welcome to ‘Robot Sidekick Wars’ where your favourite movie sidekicks who happen to be robots go head-to-head for the title because we are officially out of ideas for original programming after Netflix bought the rights to everything back in 2021.
The first battle sees TARS (that freaky robot from ‘Interstellar’) up against GERTY (that robot from ‘Moon’ voiced by the god himself Kevin Spacey).
Round 1: How Funny Are They?
Its important that we are able to laugh at robots. Yes, I said at them not with them — that way we are still able to feel like the more powerful species by patronising and angering the little rascals until they become hellbent on world domination.
So how funny are TARS and GERTY? Well, GERTY may have some pretty dope emojis programmed into him but TARS has an actual humour setting that Matthew McConaughey persistently tells him to “turn down, alright, alright, alright”.
The winner: TARS
Round 2: How Suspicious Are They?
A memorable robot sidekick needs to have you constantly second guessing whether they are in fact evil beneath their pally facade. And boy does TARS pull this off, mostly because he’s really fucking weird what with his spinny limb things. However, I’m pretty sure GERTY is just Frank Underwood from ‘House of Cards’ stuck in a metal box so I’m gonna give him the points here.
The winner: GERTY
Round 3: Let Them Fight!
Alright nuts to this, let’s just put them in an arena and let them have at it while we watch on like the sick little fucks we are.
Oh no, TARS’ freaky limb things are out and their smashing GERTY apart. GERTY’s defence mechanism appears to be turning to the camera and speaking in a cool southern accent (see, I told you he was Frank Underwood) — but it has little impact.
Wait a second, hold the phone, GERTY’s cleverly pointed out that TARS kind of looks like the big rectangle from ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ — that’s a pretty sick burn.
But, no wait, TARS has owned the burn and has recruited the help of those batshit monkeys from ‘2001: A Spacey Odyssey’. They’re now beating GERTY with a bone. TARS is now a robot sidekick with animal sidekicks, this is art influencing art, this is the sort of thing you can’t make up, this is what ‘Robot Sidekick Wars’ is all about!
Aaaaaand GERTY has been defeated!
THE CHAMPION IS TARS FROM ‘INTERSTELLAR!’
Join us for the next battle in 2024, when Jarvis from ‘Iron Man’ takes on ‘H.E.R.B.I.E.’ from ‘The Fantastic Four’ (which I assume will also be a movie by that point, when Marvel finally run out of comics to adapt).