The movies manufacture ideals for romance, high school parties, and surviving zombie apocalypses that seemingly cannot be obtained in real life. It’s easy to be brought down by this fact but it doesn’t have to be this way — as a person who lives in a semi-fantasy world, I have constructed a list of tricks you can pull to make your life a little more like the silver screen.
1. End every day with a credits sequence
As soon as the whistle blows, roll the credits! Gather your work colleagues at quitting time and give everyone the acknowledgement they deserve. Movie stars get to have their name plastered at the end of everything they do, so why shouldn’t you?
2. Contrive dramatic conversations by refusing eye-contact
This one is simple: you stand in your bedroom and stare out of the window until someone enters. When they do, refuse to turn around or properly greet them — just jump right in to some dramatic sentence fragments. (Eg. “she took it… the necklace… I failed you…”).
Screw being polite, you’re in the movies now!
3. Lovingly stare at people from across the room
For this trick, you’ll have to switch off your brain and believe in love at first sight because very often in the movies boy sees girl on the opposite side of a crowded party and together they share a loving look. Naturally, this does not happen in real life. However, if you try it enough times then statistically someone will eventually mirror your stare. Just hope you’re not arrested before this happens.
4. Speak only in convoluted riddles
Very often in a movie, two characters will be having a conversation and one will start telling a lengthy story or riddle that holds a message or theme related to the plot. Because we as people aren’t a screenwriter’s wet dream, we cannot come up with such detailed and nuanced riddles on the spot. But, if you take the time to prepare a few riddles for every eventuality, then you too can pull it off! Although, it’s worth baring in mind that you will totally freak people out and that’s only if they don’t interrupt you before you finish by calling you a ‘pretentious sack of hipster shit’.
5. Kill someone
How often have you seen a movie protagonist’s friend or mentor die just before the final act? Yep, you guessed it, it happens in 99.999999% of all films and it always seem to work out pretty well in the end.
(Note: do not attempt this trick as the likelihood of being arrested is 100%)
6. Make everything a montage
The benefits of this one aren’t so much in the drama they add but the time they save — waiting in line at the post office? Montage! Doing your taxes? Montage! Brushing your teeth? Montage!
Soon you will be so deep in the montage that life’s greatest moments will fly past your very eyes. Your graduation? Montage! The day of your daughters wedding? Montage! The end of time itself? Montage! Who needs time anyway when you have a montage set to an upbeat 80s tune?!
7. Sleep for 22 1/2 hours a day
Movie characters always seem to fit a lot into 90 minutes, so why the hell can’t you?