With summer movie season fast approaching, things are about to get exciting, expensive, and perhaps even a little nauseating — 2016’s trend of sequels left me no longer able look at a colon (:) without throwing up a little inside. Nevertheless, there are plenty of fascinating predictions to be made, none of which will happen here, because these are the Alternative Summer Movie Season Predictions…
How many tickets per screening will be sold in AMC Theatres’ new United Airlines inspired booking system
The Number of trailers you’ll see on your Facebook timeline
Make sure to thank Mark from Accounting for spreading the word on that little indie flick Spider-man: Homecoming. There’s no way you’d have ever found out about it without his help.
Transformers: The Last Knight’s score on Rotten Tomatoes
How much of the plot will be spoiled when you check Wikipedia in the theatre restroom
Chances are you’re going to need to go at some point during that three hour long apocalypse movie. And sure, you can be as tactical as you like when checking for missed plot points online, but there’s simply no escaping the spoilers, my friend. Case in point: Naomie Harris’ character in Skyfall is repeatedly called Moneypenny on Wikipedia. Like I said: no escape.
How much The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature will gross
The average price of a children’s ticket
Even the kids won’t be escaping price inflation this year. Worse still, is that the merchandising for Despicable Me 3 is apparently so intense that there’ll be a Minions gift shop at the exit of every movie theatre. That’s how they get you.
4 hours, 35 minutes:
How long it took me to repress that Fantastic Four reboot
The length of one of those extended movie theatre commercials
You know that thirty second cell phone commercial you’ve seen on TV a few times? Well, prepare to see a needlessly elaborate version of it on the big screen! Will it make you want to buy the iPhone 27x? No. Will it be followed by a patronising message advising you turn off your iPhone 26b? Yes.
How many summer movies will be released before World War III happens
Guy who will have to shave off his moustache
A brief shoutout to that guy who will have to let go of his lip hair because — with the addition of 3D glasses — it makes him look like he’s in some sort of flimsy disguise. His sacrifice will never be forgotten.