My new TV show ‘Robot Sidekick Wars’ has been picked up by a major broadcaster and is slated for a September 2024 release. Okay, so the release was held back a little when it was confirmed that the conventional ‘Robot Wars’ (the classic BBC show that is now suing me for plagiarism of the name, concept, and for kidnapping Sir Killalot), will return later this year. This revelation caused the network executives to realise they had just given a crazy person his own stupid show and a literal bucket of cash, meaning that they hastily delayed the airing date until after my trial in court (seriously, I am deep in the shit about this Sir Killalot business — they’re even going to call every other robot from the show onto the witness stand which, although hilarious, also means I’m screwed).
So… until 2024 comes around, here’s a sneaky peeky at what it’s all about.
For this episode titled ‘Nailed’, I’m primarily interested in the closing scene. Although, it is worth noting that it’s the result of 19 episodes’ worth of building up two complex characters — Jimmy, the lovable protagonist, and Chuck, his bitter-sweet older brother. Everything thus far has led up to this moment — like James Franco and the rock in ‘127 Hours’ — Jimmy meets a huge ultimatum at the otherwise humble location of an all-night print shop.
There was a cloud of anticipation hovering over my abysmally poorly attended press conference. Various theories about my short disappearance (that I bribed low-level journalists to spread) suggested that I had died and resurrected in the spirit of Easter. After the story hit the morning papers (I glued a photocopy to the front of every newspaper on every newsstand in the city), the previously empty press room became filled with protestors, shouting down the sacrilegious allegations with good reason (I even held up a little protest sign of my own). But in spite of the commotion, my publicity stunt had succeeded. I had an audience.
Cool, calm, and collected; I brought silence to the room (by finding a new ringtone with my phone at full volume), and gave the real reason for my absence.
There are certain film/television personalities out there that can be in literally anything and I’d still enjoy it. Why? Because they can make me laugh without even opening their glorious mouths.
I call it the ‘Martin Freeman Paradigm‘ and I give a talk on the phenomenon every Tuesday outside of the Museum (for about 5 minutes until I get kicked off the premises, then you can follow me to the local Londis for the conclusion).
So, how did these comedic individuals get to this stage of freakish immortality?
I love sitcoms. Their guaranteed laughs and minimal episode-to-episode plot development provide a consistency that is hard to beat.
However, because I’m a crazy person, there are a few things about them that oddly annoy me. Things that I find hard not to think about when watching them. Things that I will share with you now because, again, I’m a crazy person.
People will often tell you that television teaches nothing. To counter this point I cover my ears, scream “lalalala” and — generally speaking — by this stage they’ve already walked away in disgust. However, if they’re a persistent little so-and-so, I’d recommend a cry/scream/roll-around-on-the-floor tactic.
Most of the time that’ll do the trick but I’ve decided to improve how I handle the situation in future instances by clutching at straws (very, very thin straws) to find some things that America’s biggest shows have taught me:
With various statements, questions and grievances I wished to get across to Hollywood, I decided to write them an open letter. Time passed without any response until my mail-person rudely informed me that open letters still need to be sealed if you wish for them to arrive in one piece (you can read more about this incident in my angrily written open letter to the Post Office).
Eventually, my letter did arrive in Tinseltown and they promptly issued me with a transatlantic restraining order.
I recently got to thinking about how time-travelling always results in ironic consequences for all those involved. Therefore, I devised a way to avoid this phenomenon — by going back a short period of time to correct a very petty wrong.
Remember a few years ago when Adam Sandler was in a couple of great, emotionally-driven movies? That could have been the point where he went on to make and star in some of the best comedies of the century. Instead, he’s created… well, you know, films that have still brought joy to many people and earned a good paycheck, but just aren’t mine, and many other people’s, cup of tea.
And so, the only logical thing to do was go back in time and attempt to create a new career path for America’s funny man.
In case you ever feel inclined to manipulate time in order to correct a petty wrong yourself, I’ve created a step-by-step guide of my adventure so you have a heads up at what may come your way…(more…)
Hey, I just got back from the Internet and…. well, there’s a lot of Top 10 lists out there guys. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can see the appeal — they tickle curiosity and are a neatly structured way to get information across. And so, having always wondered about the numeric value of my opinions on the Pixar movies I grew up with, I thought, hey, I’ll jump on that bandwagon.
I mean, I’m not gonna name it ‘The Secret of This Guy’s Favourite Pixar Movies Will Shock You’ because, contrary to sloppy click-baiting beliefs, no one has ever been shocked by a listicle. The two emotions exhibited while reading a listicle are indifferent and vacant. (more…)